read me?

Dim Mac Specialist?

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 15:45:37 GMT

I got a full time job! woo hoo!!!! at apple, they're paying me more than i expected (which is a good thing) considering apple already paid me a pretty good amount as a part timer. Benefits at apple are incredibly ridiculous (and when i say ridiculous, i mean, holy fuck these benefits are better than my moms!), i can finally pick my own doctor and get my teeth checked up :) . Hellooooo stock purchase options! i love that as well...

I also started my internship with Dim Mak this week as the new media assistant. The funny thing was, the next day i came in, i was offered the New Media position. i was like "wtf?" i guess that day i came in, the New Media girl decided to put her notice in. She'll be leaving in Sept.

I feel kinda bad because there have been other interns who have been there for a couple of months and i come walking along and they practically hand me the position, but i guess its because of my computer knowledge (and who said being mac savvy was pointless, fucking lies!) Anywho, they're fully aware of my full time job so it will be a salary based part time job. I can't come into the office as much as i'd like so i'll be working from home as well.
and they will compensate me for gas. Whats cool is we get to listen to some artist and tell them what we think, we also do staff pics. we also get to go into all these clubs for free and free alcohol, although that doesn't really matter. Tonight is the steve aoki, dj AM at the glasshouse. go go! Im bringing my sister and a co-worker..it's all ages.

if you guys dont know dim mak
just check out their website www.dimmak.com
for apple its just www.apple.com

this will be like college again.

but no school with more work hours and WAAAY better pay.

The fun sucked out of fun

Fri, 08 Aug 2008 00:26:56 GMT

So far, being pregnant has definately filtered through variants of who is and who isn't really my friend.

i noticed an increase of daily activities (for obvious reasons) and less in night activites (although i wouldn't mind going out dancing while i don't look like a planet yet).

According to many pregnant women, i'm not a bad person, only normal and it isn't wrong for me to go out especially this early in pregnancy. I haven't had a drop of alcohol, a inhalation of weed, or any form of consumption of anything illegal.

so far i've gone dancing (it was fun, although i did get tired fast)
watched a ridiculous amount of movies.
ate like a hefer.
hang out with old friends.
cleaned and cooked a lot more.
Baking has also become a weekly activity. And' its nice knowing i dont have to call people to hang out. It's nice that they call me, and check up on me. I cried like an idiot the other day thinking i was alone then my sister had to remind me that all these ppl still call and see if im ok and come over or are willing to go out and treat me normal.

i'm pregnant, not dead.

but to some people being pregnant equals death to my social life.

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 16:40:19 GMT

i'm so upset, confused

i really dont know what to think,
my throat hurts, im trying to hold down tears from drowning my face. i've never felt so strongly for someone in such a long time

fuck
i like him a lot and that really bothers me

i keep thinking as if the next step is for him to fall for another girl cuz that's usually the case

gawd, i dont know why i can't just say "hey, i wanna be your girlfriend" no, who the fuck says that? crazy girls? so yea, i sorta dont want to be a crazy girl, yet, that's what i want to say...so i guess i am a crazy girl...eww.

ok ok, this shit, this feeling really needs to stop, its weird, and icky and shitty, like, if this doens't work out, this will be shitty

i dont know why why why why why!!!!???

This kid is stupid...

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 23:02:26 GMT

I am typically the person who KIT (keeps in touch) but for some reason, there's this particular character to whome when i do contact is the biggest anus to me. And when i decide to be an adult and not speak to them so they can grow out of this anus act..they call me (when they're in need or diar stress of course) and use me...for verbal redubment or sex. Thanks asshole! And yes. you know who you are.

flakes

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 16:51:05 GMT

i hate them.

Recap

Tue, 25 Sep 2007 09:00:34 GMT

I realize how much of a beautiful world i live in when i step out of the orange county/Los angeles scene.

I also realize how over excited freshman college students are and in an end result made me realize what an old bag i am.

overall, i'm content, i did my first keg stand.

Weekend

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 07:31:26 GMT

San Francisco was fun. Yay to new friends and to what looks like a new life.

Detox begins.

Legal two one

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 17:38:25 GMT

Legally i can order my drinks.

I want to move so bad.
I hate orange county. And slowly i'm realizing what a waste my past 3 years have been.

I know. Keep my chin up and suck this shit up. one semester isn't over yet. And one more to go till freedom.

My birthday last night was amazingly sober. I teared up when i got my presents from all my friends.
One- i didn't expect presents so thank you.
Two- I never realized how MANY friends i had.

My friends from PASA gave me this huge birthday card with all these messages (like a yearbook)
My friends from high school i'm so glad they exists. It's one of those eternal friendships that you know won't die.
My friends from work are amazingly funny and entertaining.
My friends through jenner are nerds to the heart and i love them for that.
My friends are awesome.

More than 100 people showed up and it was great to know they all went to watch me get wasted (even though i didn't because i'm over drinking) Ok, now i must go to school. fuck. FRISCO tonite!

Freshie

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 04:46:11 GMT

Freshman's are so cute with the hope that once twinkled in my eye

Oh man, i hate responsibilities, i feel like a bitchy 30 year old.

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 07:34:36 GMT

LAME!

tomo lo como hobre muchacho

Blue prints printed...

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 21:49:46 GMT

I don't want to talk to the world besides the little existing community i have created for myself. I'm too comfortable with my life and that's a scary thought. i want to throw myself into a whirlwind and see where i end up. I spoke to my parents several times for the past month about moving back home. I will most likely do it in december. January will be when i explore chicago, Seattle, Portland, and New York. Then i have 4 months to decide where i will be spending the beginning of my new life. Most likely New York because i believe in following love on an instinct. I'm fucking crazy. No, i do want to pursue some corporate career there. I'll figure this all out in due time. Right now I'm packing VERY slowly. I have one box down, 100 more to go.

My birthday is coming up, and i hope to see everyone there. It's a nice feeling to see everyone who's touched my life in one way or another. I love/hate my life all together.

I will embrace this loneliness with shots of Jamison and jack. All wonderful J's. Hah! J's...

Some day i will be loved...till then, i'll run in this darkness, drunk and tired.

I miss him so much, I can't sleep. I toss and turn and that shit bugs me.

recap

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 07:26:59 GMT

Japan was excellent
My weekend was relaxing yet felt so finalizing with my dear old jenner. He's probably sleeping now in New York. I will miss him.
I told my parents i'll move back in order to save up to move out of state.
Randy is ignoring me which is "cool" even after i kept him company in the state of depression.
I'm slowly drifting into a variety of withdrawls.
My mommy bought me some clothes at dear old forever 21 (yea i know child labored clothing) and a robot t-shirt somewhere.
My sister was mad at me for calling her out in front of my parents.
I hung out with a new friend, let go of an old friend.
I want to ride my bike again but there's a flat tire.
I'm sticky
Today was hot
Super Bad was funny.
Yogurt land becomes your oasis at times like this
I don't like douche bags.

and people...whoever the fuck says global warming doesn't exisist needs to blow up into glitter.

weekend update

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 07:49:02 GMT

This weekend was full of entertainment, laughs and humility (as always)

Saturday:
Woke up late for work…
Worked
Went to Jenner’s
Fled to Sunset junction
Drunk- off my ass!
Went to Bang for free (cuz who the fuck would pay for that lousy shit now-a-days?)
Went back to Cerritos
Watched Coming to America
Sleep

Sunday:
Woke up
Watched a couple Episodes of Naruto
Dealt with Jenner’s Neighbors and the plumbing problem
Got Dressed for the parade
Went to Little Tokyo for Nisei Week
Watched some performances
Performed myself
Went to “Open Sesame” and had Lebanese Cuisine
Laughed at an old cocky war veteran for his “heroic” stories
Filled as fuck
Took some stuff from Jenner’s place
Now I’m home, excited about school tomorrow, then Japan on Wednesday!

*I’m still and forever will be bummed that Jenner will soon be gone ☹

disgusted

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 15:50:01 GMT

I look at life, the people involved and i can't help but be disgusted by the choices they make. I want to be happy for them, and i try, but its all fake. I try not to vomit, but i vomit just a little bit in my mouth so i can relieve myself of some emotional hold-back.

I can't help but i feel i wasted a big chunk of my college life with a douche i took back. I just want to be taken back, despite the emotions i'm drowning myself in.

I can't sleep
I can't talk
I can't smile

For all the while deep down i'm crying over and over.

And all you can say is "it hurts doesn't it? now you know how i felt"

Revenge...you're a funny dude.
Asshole...that's what everyone's become.
Neglegant...thats all on its own.
Douche...if you were only really that
...
I dont need to finish this bullshit. Chase young hearts, because i think i'm too much. I'm 20 right? why do i feel like i'm a dying 28 year old?

i dont know

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 17:24:32 GMT

i hear pregnancy is a bitch!

love and lust

Tue, 07 Aug 2007 15:32:40 GMT

i'm here scarfing down my wheaties thinking...dammit sabrina, you're so absurd, you're so abrupt, and you make actions irrationally. I'm falling, falling for him slowly knowing that it will lead to my ultimate demise, then i'll cry, miss him and follow him thinking that things might stay the same. i hope.

A kiss followed by a natural smile. Yes, it's almost perfect. our little quirks of using childish voices and funny faces. Our need to expriment and want to be with each other every night. Do i love him? maybe, i dont know...i care for him, and i know i'll miss him. Every moment makes me happy and when im not around him...i think of him. i'll drive 30 minutes every night just to be with him, or vice versa.

Here I am, staring at my graduate admission application to NYU. I am completely a fool. Happiness will soon be thousands of miles away.

Clean chest

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 07:08:56 GMT

All I can say is that honesty is the only thing i speak.

I am a mature adult...let's see your reaction.

the fear and beauty

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 07:31:28 GMT

i'm fucked. well, i might be. But maybe this whole thing is one scary learning experience. i respect myself in the light of knowing what i am capable of...thoughts, actions, and verbal communication. i might deserve anger, hate, loathing, whatever it may be, but this is all only a cause of a redundant hate circle. I guess ( i dont want to say i am mature but i feel like i am) that i am mature enough to realize all this and not fire back with angry words, despite the hateful "i could care less what happens to you." I'm sorry to hear that and know that, but then i'm sorry for the horrible way i've treated you. say i'm a monk, but i really did change from the type of person i was 2 or 3 months ago.

I could never say i could care less about you, even if you've breaking my heart, used me, abused me, hurt me, etc. whoever you are, friend, lover, family. You are the people who build me to be the better person and i will always cherish that, i will always love you, in sickness (and people who are or were involved with my life know this). I will normally be the only friend who stays by your bedside in the hospital bed. I will be the friend who will go with you to the doctors for your eye examination, i will be your friend who will go help you pick out whether or not you should buy ribbed condoms or "for her" pleasure condoms. I will ALWAYS be a friend, and all you need to do is be appreciate that.

I dont know how many letters similar to this i've written, nor do i know when i will stop. Its this ridiculous voyage of vocab and word vomit i'm experiencing...emotions constantly spew out of every pore. i'm sick and i hate it.

heaven is your most happiest memory.

p.s
i went to the fair, and shit, i'm full son, no more gian hot dawgs!

?

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 07:03:38 GMT

are there friendships/connections/relationships that i should just give up on?

you know who you are...

and i might as well know the answer than attempt at something not worth my time

NIHON!

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 00:36:11 GMT

For the past month or so, I've been dwelling (like how those dwellers dwell) in my own pity and self-regretting, non-or fake-enthused, pessimistic views on life. Thank god for friends who show the light. Although i do appreciate the past (and at the same time dreadfully miss) thats all it is. I appreciate the love, the company, the inside jokes, the baby talk, etc. However, although I found this hard to believe (at first), there are more people out there as goofy(cynical) and have the same interest as myself. I’m here thinking that there will be no one else, but yet, SABRINA, you’re only 20, you have not yet explored other scenes in life and have not yet met enough interesting people to say “That’s it, he doesn’t love me, no one will understand me”. I feel pathetic scavenging away at the net seeing who’s on and will give a fuck about me, more specifically if “that” person gives a fuck. Yet I ignore the people who are sitting in the living room while I do this hunt. God I’m an asshole. If “that” person won’t talk, let them be…after all, I don’t deserve a second chance because no one does right?

So my actions mainly have been to keep myself distracted. Yes, I will go to Vegas, get fucked up and hopefully not die due to my eagerness to experiment with drug mixes and strippers (jk). I will go on a retreat where I am unaware of the destination, and lastly, I will go to Japan despite missing the first week of school. – Yes, Japan. Thanks to a super awesome friend, I was extended an invitation to go to Japan for the lovely cost of $500 covering flight/housing/and food cost. All I have to do in return is doing a silly dance (literally).

This is good; it’s a good opportunity for me to use my freshly learned Japanese and to hang out with new friends, while dancing of course. And it’s good because there are too many painful things in my room, in this city, in this STATE, more over this Country that make me fill up with emotion, cry- then drink a pathetic bottle of whiskey to myself.

I have one more year of college left, then I’ll be the biggest fuck up.

Ikimashoo!

summerrrr sizzle

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 23:43:48 GMT

summer sucks so far. friends who i thought were good people are angry bitter little pricks, its hot, and im fat. summer school is overwhelming. there's soo much reading with law as well as history. trying to work 40 hours within that is all not too fun at all. hopefully i'll go to citrus for japanese instead of mt. sac so i can go at night time instead of 7 in the morning. the only thing im sorta looking forward to is san diego, vegas, and board retreat. I dont think my friends on live journal even read this thing so all i could say would be fuck you! - can anyone hear me?

i've been painting lately, but its not like that matters cuz i'm no good at art. i've been playing my accordion too...but again, that doesn't matter because no one is listening.

i hate to bitch and whine but people this year definately suck...i only appreciate the small number who want to be my friends. again , no one is read. baldfjaldkfjalksdjfl

New Year - New

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 18:28:45 GMT

Winter mornings consist of the sun penetrating the valley and the third layer of sky then finally hitting your face. California is no winter wonderland. The 57 highway is packed with a herd of the American working class, most in the middle, and others on both extremes of low and high income, and all envying each other of what they lack within their individual attributes – what they may not have. The individuals in the herd separate into their pathways of a 9 to 5 job, or mowing lawns, picking up trash, and yelling at their assistant for getting their coffee order wrong. Maybe the pathway I’ve chosen for 2007 will either lead me to a better self-discovering experience, or, it can lead me to my ultimate demise. Regardless, I’m tired of plans. I would sit it my room contemplating and skewering away at what the future has to offer. I browse jobs that are relevant to my attempting degree to see how much salary my future has to offer me. I’ve lived by routine and plans for so long that it has choked me to a stand still. New. New…that is what I like, that is what I want to feel. I feel so envious towards those who feel something “new”. I can assume but not hope that my new lifestyle can be destructive, possibly “sinful”, depending on who’s judging, but to feel alive again would be nice. Simple, sweet, nice. I’m sorry to the individuals that I hurt in my journey to self-discovery, but if I had to be accurate and fair about it, those people that I am hurting, I’ve hurt me too for reasons known. I need to find myself, I need to know myself, I need to open my eyes for the first time in a long time, without the pressures of anyone else influence but my own. Please give me time, and if you’re not there when I figure out that WE is what I want, than I guess…I’ve lead upon my ultimate demise.

"Lit" up

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 09:31:54 GMT

Today, Jeremy Popoff from the Band Lit came into the apple store. I believe this is like his 3rd time going in there. I feel stupid when i see him because i say "hello, welcome to the apple store" he proceeds to walk towards me and begins to ask me a question about data transfer, then sees my male coworker standing next to me and continues to tell my coworker the story. Again, this is sexism at its best. Regardless, he wants a new computer. He has this really old ibook which is ok, but suprises me that he doesn't have anything better (you know, being a former rockstar and all). This guy is literally at the store for 2 hours while his son "Jake" (i assume that's his name hence he called him jake) was running a muck. The new computer he buys is a macbook....??? just a macbook? again, i think "he was a rockstar, why not go pro?" blah, i know i shouldn't think like this but i couldn't help it, the guitarist for RX bandits bought a better computer and rx bandits wasn't as popular as Lit was. Anyways, then he stays at the store till close at this point because apparently someone fried his hardrive during data transfer and we had to explain to him that we can't transfer music because of copyright issues. This guy starts complaining about that or some shit and im thinking again "he was a professional musician, doesn't he respect other musicians work and pay for it" blah, i dont know what to think and my movie that i'm making for class is taking wayyy to loong to render.

listening to Lit's "my own worst enemy" brings back soo many middle school memories. this song was overplayed and the music video played during the morning hours of mtv so i would watch it and sing to it every day as a 12 year old.

sick

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 23:56:52 GMT

i've been throwing up every other day.
i've been eating healthy shit.
celery, turkey, fruit.
i haven't lost a pound. I'm gaining weight slowly.
diets are difficult.

i cry every night in my big lonely bed. i hate this bed. its vast and needs to be filled with love. no love provided, none given/offered, i dont think it matters anymore. I want to quit everything i've worked so hard for - there's no more gurantee. Half of me secretly desires poverty throughout my life, so that in the end, someone that knows me might recognize me and say "hey, that homeless lady looks like sabrina" then quickly doubts themselves and continues on with their lives. i sit at this table mounted with papers and notes of you. i want to burn them to get rid of the pain, i know you love me, but i dont feel it. words mean nothing to me, its sad, but i need to see action. comments on myspace are shit, and responses to this blog are equivilent. I want to be normal and accept the fact of what your decisions are, but that would mean for me to move back home, and go back to high school - its the situation and the circumstances. i feel like i need more than that or none at all. i have no time other than the brief time i spend right before i go to bed. you're no longer there at that brief time, thus, there's no more time. THERE'S NO MORE TIME! i dont think you'll ever understand unless you go to school full time (meaning 15 or more units and not this minimal 12 unit "full time" student shit) work 40+ hours a week at two different jobs, and balance some form of a social life. until then, you can't expect me to not want what i want or what i DONT want. i think its possible maybe to continue a relationship....slightly.
i need you nearby at least to see you once in a while without having to beg you like a fucking pathetic little fucking dog that i fucking am.

all im saying is - dont cry for me when im in a gutter some where. just think, "haha, that homeless lady looks like sabrina" then quickly doubt yourself, and move on with your life.

friends

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 10:18:20 GMT

It has been a little more than a month since we have parted and I’ve come to the conclusion midway through knowing that I wanted to be with you. Again, another strike of surprise slaps me in the face, its painful, it stings – I know. You would like to wait, you want to make sure its no mistake, and you yourself are not sure about the entire written and verbal statements you have made about how your plan was in the rubbles of destruction. Earnestly as I would wish, I cannot wait. I want to, but my heart sits impatiently within the walls of my ribs. I love you

But patience, unfortunately, is not a virtue that I posses.

Thus, I love you my dear friend